I have had a rough couple of weeks. If I attempted to tell this tale with anything other than just the facts, I would end up writing a book. So here's the short version...in ten sentences or less, just to make it more fun.
1. I was pregnant.
2. I was having a miscarriage, so the doctors did a D&C (my choice--waiting around for a miscarriage do its thing would be pure torture).
3. Turns out I was still pregnant, even after the D&C.
4. A shot of methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug) in each hip was Plan A to attack what was revealing itself to be an ectopic pregnancy.
5. I get to wait around for a week to see if the methotrexate is working, all the while bracing myself for the chance the ectopic--which was growing precariously in my one remaining fallopian tube--could rupture, thereby landing me in the back of an ambulance with internal bleeding that leads to emergency surgery (been there, done that, it's not cool) and render me unable to naturally conceive a child ever again.
6. I try to be tough and I do a pretty decent job, unless I listen to the Indigo Girls, look the Biggest Girl directly in the eyes while thinking about all of this, or happen to still be awake between 11pm and midnight--it's like my emotional witching hour or something and, if I'm going to lose it, that's when it happens and I would like to take this opportunity to both thank and apologize to Mr. Mallard for keeping his saintly ass up waaaay too late the last couple of nights. Big ups, yo. You da' man!*
7. Today, four torturously long, not so great days after the methotrexate shot, I went in for more blood work and then met with my doctor, who now suspects this whole thing can be labeled as a heterotopic pregnancy (again--been there, done that, not cool) and gives me a hug while promising to call as soon as they get the blood work back.
8. The doctor calls and it turns out that, rather than increasing slightly as would be expected, my hcg levels have plummeted and now she's not sure exactly what it was that happened, but is confident I am no longer in danger of having an ectopic rupture and we make a plan to continue with the blood work until I reach the "not pregnant" level.
9. I was in the middle of changing the Biggest Girl's diaper when the doctor called, so she gets the opportunity to run around wearing only her socks and an unbuttoned onesie and somehow manages to pee on just one of her socks.
10. That's what I've been doing since February 9th...how are things with you?
*props to Mr. Mallard do not count against the ten sentence maximum. Plus, there aren't that many words in those sentences and there's just no way to work them into another sentence while still adhering to the rules that govern modern punctuation.